(FANFARE PLAYS)
(TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS)
MAN: Gentlemen.
The toast is "The Queen".
(THEY BLOW)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show
Introduced as usual by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello, everyone, and welcome to my show.
- TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR: Aimi! - Oh, sorry.
The show.
Lots and lots of you, I know, have wanted
to write in to ask if I can do anything else
besides sing, dance, tell jokes and look very lovely.
Well, good news, I can.
I'm now going to show you that the lovely Aimi MacDonald is also a very good juggler.
Can I have a drum roll, please?
(DRUMROLL PLAYS)
(PLATE SMASHES)
(CYMBAL CRASH)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
It's much better with a partner.
Do you know what I mean, darling?
(SINISTER WESTERN MUSIC)
Well, well, well, well.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Fancy seeing you here.
- Who, me? - Yes, you remember me?
Sidney Lotterby.
We were staying at the Nixa Palace together in 1963 in Mallorca.
Oh, God, yes. I remember.
Oh, yes.
Many's the chinwag we had together, eh?
Yes. Hours!
Hours and hours and hours and hours.
Yes, what a shame I have to go, that is an awf...
Do you remember the way you never used to know
which bar you were going to later that evening?
I always used to find you, though, didn't I?
Yes.
Do you remember that time I found you crouched under the table in that bar?
And you said you were hiding there
from some terrible little bore with a peculiar voice.
- Yes... - And then you'd come over all faint
and you said you had to get back to the hotel
and I said I'd walk back with you and you said you felt more like running.
Yes, I can remember it very well indeed.
And later that evening, when I was coming back into the hotel
that enormous flower pot only just missed me.
Well, well, well, this calls for a drink.
- What a shame, unfortunately I have to... - No, no, no, no. I insist.
- Have same again? - Well, yes.
Alright, same again.
Right, our host.
Ah, there you are, Peter. Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Oh, Charles. I'd quite forgotten. - How are you?
- Nice to see you. - Do you mind if we try the bar next door?
- Why, what's wrong with this one? - Just a bit awkward here at the moment.
Hello!
Oh, uh, is he a friend of yours?
- Yes, he is. - Oh. He's a bit posh then, isn't he?
- I say, you're a bit posh. - Am I?
- Yeah, a bit "Old Etonian", eh? - Yes, yes, I am.
Oh, fancy that. So, you know our Petey then, do you?
- Yes, thank you. Do you? - Oh, yes.
We're old friends, aren't we, Pete?
- Are you? - Well, we met on holiday briefly once.
So, my name's Sidney Lotterby.
Charles Fry.
Frying tonight, eh? Ha, ha!
- "Charles Fry", frying tonight? - No.
I bet everybody says that to you, don't they?
No, they don't.
Oh, well, we was just gonna have a little drink.
- Would you care to join us? - I know, well, I would love to actually
but I really must rush, if you'll excuse me.
- So must I, actually, I must be off. - Oh, Peter.
Aren't you going to have a drink with your friend?
What?
Aren't you going to have a drink with your friend?
He's not my friend, I hardly know him.
Oh, marvellous sense of humour, always joking.
Oh, the times we've had together, eh, Petey?
- Oh dear. - Well, I'm sure you must...
- you two must have a lot to talk about. - Oh, yes.
- If you'll excuse me. - Oh, ah-ah!
Before you go, my card.
- Oh, thank you so much. - Any friend of Petey's is a friend of mine.
Really? Well, I'll bear that in mind. Thank you so much.
Please don't leave me!
Must be off, have a good chat. Hours and hours, bye!
Do you remember that time when we was in the...
(IN NASAL VOICE): Hello, Charlie!
Oh!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, there you are. I thought it was you.
(HE LAUGHS) Oh, well.
How's things then?
- Good evening. - Oh, ho-ho! Ah, well.
Friends must stick together, that's it. Birds of a feather. Ah, well.
Are these two gentlemen friends of yours?
- Uh, no. - Oh, that's right.
- You know old Charlie Fry too, do you? - Oh, yes.
- Frying tonight. - Ho, ho! That's what I said.
- I said that! - Did you?
- I said that. - I always say that.
- So do I, always.
This is Petey Nelson.
- Nelson? - Yes, Nelson.
Where's your column, then? (HE LAUGHS)
I bet you've spent some time in Trafalgar Square!
(HE LAUGHS) Get it?
Look out, Pete, there's a pigeon!
Had him there! Had him there.
Had you there, Pete. Wa-ho!
- Are you still up to your old tricks then? - No.
Peter, this is a friend that I met very briefly on holiday this summer.
- That's right, in Ibeeza. - "Ibiza"!
That's right, terrible twins of Ibeeza, we were.
- No, we weren't. - Oh, the times...
The chinwags we used to have together, oh, yes.
- In all the bars, I could always find you. - Yes, you could.
He was always fooling about.
Do you remember that enormous flower pot that only just missed me?
Oh, that happened to me in Majorca with Petey, didn't it, Pete, eh?
We'll have to watch the two of them tonight, they'll tear the town apart.
I'll say they will. Whoa-ho, eh?
- Well, my round. - Yes, well, I really must be going.
- If you'll excuse me. - Oh, uh...
Aren't you going to stay behind and have a drink with your friend?
- He's not my friend. - Well, he's not my friend.
There he goes, joking again. Marvellous sense of humour.
- Look out, everybody, they've started! - Wahey!
Yes, well I'm afraid that we must be going now, we're meeting a friend for dinner.
Oh, dinner. That's a good idea.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit peckish.
Yes, where shall we go to eat?
Uh, well, it's at a friend's house. It's a private dinner.
Oh, we don't mind. It'll save booking at a restaurant, won't it?
- Yeah, can we give you a lift? - No, no, you see. it's a private dinner.
- Oh, we don't mind. - No, but my friend will mind.
He's only expecting two.
Oh, well. We could take along some crisps.
- No. - I'll tell you what.
Listen, why don't we give him a call
and we can all go out and do the town together?
- Yes, that would be fun. - Yes.
No, it would not be fun.
- It would be hell! - No, it would be fun.
No, it would not be fun.
- It would be lots of fun. - Yes.
No, it would not be fun!
Listen, you nasty, pimply, septic, verminous little men
we don't want to spend the evening with you!
I can always tell when you're fooling!
Enough with it!
You're boring, you're boring!
Just like old times, ho, ho, ho!
Look, look! If you follow us now, if you follow us now...
we're going to kill you, do you hear me?
- Right! - (THEY GIGGLE)
Oh dear! Oh, deary me.
I thought they'd never go.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
And now, I'm going to read you the collected thoughts
of the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Chapter one.
The end.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
- PRESENTER: Hello there. - (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
Now, this is the spot in the show when every week we bring you a new dance.
Tonight, it's a new dance called "The Chartered Accountant"
And here to demonstrate the steps
we have the dancing chartered accountant himself
Mr Arthur S. Stoat, A.C.A.
Now you remember in the early days
we taught you how to do "The Tiwst" like a man stubbing out a cigarette
while he dries himself with a towel
And more recently "The Shake" and "The Frug"
like a man with his feet caught in concrete.
Well, tonight ladies and gentlemen, it's "The Chartered Accountant",.
It's a little more complicated but roll back your carpets and follow us.
Now the first step.
You're a chartered accountant and you're on a tube train.
There's a pretty girl standing next to you, but you're embarrassed
because everybody is looking atyou
so you point to distract their attention
and while they're looking the other way, step two.
Now you repeat that..
Until you get to Liverpool Street.
Next movement, you've reached your office and you're using the new adding machine.
You take the piece of paper and stick it on the spike.
You need some tea, so you clap for the tea lady.
Now the telephone rings.
You have to answer it.
Have you got that?
OK, let's have another look at it.
Now, your next move, you're a chartered accountant on holiday
You're on a deserted beach in Torquay and you're taking off your wet bathing trunks.
Suddenly you see somebody coming!
Step 25, you're on a day trip to the Isle of Wight
You're feeling just a little bit seasick
and you're not very sure which rail to go to.
And the last move...
You're a chartered accountant, it's the end of the financial year
and your books balance.
Now it's quite simply back to the first step.
You're on the tube train.
There we have "The Chartered Accountant",.
You think you've got it? Well. follow Mr Stoat
as he puts it all together
and dances "The Chartered Accountant"
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)
Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much, you're very kind.
You may not admire chartered accountants
but you must admit we've got a wonderful natural sense of rhythm.
(BASS GUITAR TAG PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
MAN: Gentlemen.
The toast is...
"The Queen".
(THEY ALL GROAN)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Well, I'm sorry to bother you so late, but this...
this tooth at the back really has been a great deal of trouble today.
It's just been building up, the pain, all day long. Nothing I could do about it.
So I just had to come along, I hope you don't mind.
Anyway, have a look. It's the one at the back there on the left.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Hello?
Mr Mayhem, hello?
- Hello? - Sorry, I had to pop out for a moment.
Nurse is a little bit on edge.
Now, what was it?
This tooth at the back here on the left.
Oh, really? Well, let's have a look at it then, open wide.
Oh, yes. Not too good, mm-hm.
Uh, nurse. Molar extraction!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Nurse? - NURSE: I'm not coming!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Come on, squirrel.
What?
Molar extraction, squirrel.
(SHE SNIFFS)
- (SHE CRIES) - Oh! Who's a cruel dentist?
- You're a cruel dentist. - No, I'm not...
No, I'm not really a cruel...
Now, nice squirrel. Go and get the molar extractors
and sterilize-werilize...
and Daddy will give her lots of lovely nutties, alright?
Alright.
Uh, right, um.
Let's have a look, then. It'll have to come out, I'm afraid.
Oh, oh, well, can I have gas?
Uh, gas, ah...
Well, it's a little bit awkward, erm...
normally, yes, but we had a...
bit of a party here last night, you know, and what with a lot of balloons to blow up
and people spraying it around a bit, in fun
um, no gas.
And the worst of it is, I can't give you an injection.
Why not?
Um, darts.
- Darts? - The hypodermics.
None left. Look, I'll tell you what, lean forward.
I'll give you a little crack in the back of the neck with the side of my hand.
No, look, I don't want you to knock me out!
- No. - Oh, alright.
Um, how about a nice brandy, then?
Hm? Nice brandy? Do you good. Dirty glass, I'm afraid
- but there we are. - No, thank you, please.
Don't bother with the brandy, just take the thing out.
- I don't mind if it hurts. - Quite sure?
- Just take it out. - OK.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right... uh, right, nurse.
- Ahem. - I've got lots more in the fridge.
No, no, molar extractors, nurse, come on.
Damn!
- What's happened? - DENTIST: They've cut us off again.
Bloody bills the whole time.
Only gave us two warnings.
Oh, it doesn't matter, doesn't matter, I've got a match here. Open up!
- What? - Let's have a look.
No, it's no good.
Well, there's nothing for it. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get inside.
What?
DENTIST: I have to get into your mouth and have a look from the inside.
- Nurse! - I don't understand.
- DENTIST: Mmm. Nice squirrel. - (THEY KISS)
Now, Daddy's going into Mr Potter's mouth.
- NURSE: Oh, mean Daddy. - (THEY KISS)
- Oh! - DENTIST: Shan't be long, squirrel.
- Um. - Oh, it's alright. I'll take my shoes off.
- What? - Right, now, uh...
Open right up, please. Open as wide as you can.
- Come on! - Uh!
- DENTIST: Wider! - Uh...
DENTIST: Wider! I can't get my mouth in there.
Come on! No, wider, wider, wider.
Now, my foot's going in. - (MR POTTER GROANS)
DENTIST: Push, push! Good. Now the left one.
Mind my head against the teeth.
Right, go on! Push!
Push! Push!
No, my leg's caught. Give it a push, squirrel!
- Right... - (THEY BOTH GRUNT)
Oh! What have you put in my mouth?
- DENTIST: Oh, it's alright, it's only me. - What?
Ah, now... Oh, good.
They've turned the lights on. Must have been a warning, right.
(HE YELLS)
- Will you keep your tongue still? - MR POTTER: Uh, I'll try.
Right, now, uh...
Which one is it? Is it this one?
- (BELL CLANGS) - MR POTTER: No!
How about this one?
- (BELL CLANGS) - MR POTTER: No!
This one?
(MR POTTER SCREAMS)
Right, I've got it.
Alright, shan't be a moment.
No, it's a bit big for a pickaxe.
Um, I'll have to use dynamite.
- Nurse, can I have the dynamite, please? - MR POTTER: What?
Nurse! Right!
Oh, plunger, alright. Now the dynamite.
- OK. - MR POTTER: What's happening?
Now, try not to swallow because if you do, I'm in trouble, OK?
MR POTTER: What?
Just keep the mouth open and you won't feel anything
and if you've got to swallow, give me a shout
then I can do something about it, right?
OK, ready?
MR POTTER: I don't understand.
Ah, three!
Two!
One!
- (EXPLOSION) - (MR POTTER SHRIEKS)
There we are, clean as a whistle.
MR POTTER: Oh... oh, I think I'm going to have to swallow.
- What? - MR POTTER: I'm going to have to swallow.
Hang on a moment, hang on! Um...
- I can't wait, I can't wait! - DENTIST: No, wait, wait!
(GLUGGING SOUND) Oh!
Oh, darling!
Are you alright?
Oh, oh, my God!
- Darling, I'm coming to help you! - What?
No, it's no good. I'm done for!
Keep away from me!
Keep away, he may swallow again!
No, no, it's no good. I'm done for!
- NURSE: No, Roger, no! - Get out!
Get out now, while you still can!
No, Roger. I can't stand beside while you're in such trouble!
Don't be a fool, Sandra!
- Get out now! - (NURSE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)
- Oh, darling. I love you! - I love you so mu...
(THEY SCREAM)
(SPLASH)
- Delicious. - (FANFARE PLAYS)
Hello.
Tonight, I want to talk to you about a very important subject
which concerns you all.
The "Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald a Rich Lady" fund.
The committee, that's me
has asked the lovely Aimi MacDonald to thank all those people
who have already given
and to give you all a big kiss.
But 19 and four pence is not enough to make anyone a rich lady
and certainly not the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
So, I've decided to give a special prize
to the person who sends in the most money this week
and here it is.
MINI AIMI: I'm the lovely Aimi MacDonald. You know what I mean, darling?
I'm the lovely Aimi MacDonald. You know what I mean, darling?
Aww! Wasn't she lovely?
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(MUSIC: "THEME TO JAMES BOND" BY MONTY NORMAN)
TALL MAN: I wonder what it is...
that women find attractive about him.
SHORT MAN: I've absolutely no idea.
I'm glad I don't look like him.
I should think it would be frightful
being pestered by beautiful women the whole time.
Mm, yes. I think the whole thing would be extremely inconvenient at the office.
Yes, I would find that I would think that we were much better off
as we are now.
Mind you, mind you.
I wonder what it is he has got.
It is a sort of animal attraction
- so I have been told. - Oh, who by?
A kind of latent male power.
- Oh, yes? - Some people have it.
Some people don't.
- I don't. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, you don't.
I don't think I have it, either.
No, you certainly don't.
I thought not. Some fellas just have to snap their fingers
and beautiful young fillies come and fling themselves headlong all over them.
They only have to go zap!
And gorgeous women come flying in and...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Did you see that? - Yes.
A gorgeous filly just came running in.
- Exactly. - Yes.
How quite extraordinary!
- All I did was that... - (FINGERS SNAP)
And she came zooming in.
You've got another one!
Good heavens alive!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - What fun.
(FINGERS SNAP)
Yes, and a third one round the back.
I want one!
Snap your fingers.
- Snap my fingers? - Look, it's easy enough.
- Second finger, snap. - (FINGERS SNAPS)
See, works every time.
I haven't got one yet, though.
Well, try again. Snap it properly. No, do it hard!
- (FINGERS SNAP) - Like that!
You've got another one.
- Blast! - (FINGERS SNAP)
I wonder where they're all coming from.
Look, I want one now! I think...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
TALL MAN: Well, snap the other hand then.
- What, that one? - Yes, that's right.
- (MAN WAILS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You used the wrong hand!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Hello again.
Many of you, I expect, are wondering if I can do anything else
besides sing, dance
tell jokes, look very lovely and juggle.
Well, I'm glad you asked because I'm also an extremely famous ventriloquist.
A fact not many people seem to know.
This is Angus.
Angus, do you want to tell the ladies and gentlemen a joke?
(DUMMY SQUEAKS)
Angus says "yes".
Angus says his wife just went to the West Indies.
Oh, your wife's just gone to the West Indies?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Jamaica?
Angus says that, no, she went of her own accord.
- (AIMI LAUGHS) - (MUSIC: "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT")
(HARP AND VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS)
Alright, very passable.
Not bad at all.
Aye.
Nothing like a good glass of Château de Chasselas.
- Eh, Josiah? - Aye, you're right there, Obadiah.
Aye, dead right.
Who'd have thought 40 years ago
that we'd be sitting here drinking Château de Chasselas.
Aye, we'd have been glad of the price of a cup of tea, then.
- Aye. - Cup of cold tea.
- Aye. - Aye.
- Without milk or sugar. - Aye.
- Or tea. - Aye.
- And out of a cracked cup at that. - (JOSIAH GRUNTS)
We never had a cup.
We used to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
- Aye. - But you know...
I often think we were happier then, although we were poor.
Because we were poor!
- Aye. - My old dad said to me, he said
"Money won't bring you happiness, son."
- He was right. - Aye.
- I was happier then, I had nothing. - Hm.
We used to live in a tiny tumbledown old house
with great holes in't roof.
House? You were lucky to have a house.
We used to live in one room, 26 of us.
All there, no furniture, half the floor was missing
and we were all huddled in one corner for fear of falling.
Room?
You were lucky to have a room!
- We used to have to live in't corridor. - Corridor?
I used to dream of living in a corridor, that would have been a palace to us.
We used to live in a water tank on't rubbish tip.
Aye, every morning we'd be woke up by having a load of rotting fish dumped on us.
House! Ha!
Well, when I said "house", I mean it were only hole in't ground
covered by a couple of foot of torn canvas.
But it were house to us.
Oh, well, we were evicted from our hole in the ground.
We had to go and live in the lake.
Hey. Hey, you were lucky to have a lake.
There were over 150 of us living in a small shoebox in't middle of road.
- Cardboard box? - Aye.
Aye, you were lucky!
We lived for three months in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank.
Aye! Every morning we'd have to get up at six
clean out rolled up newspaper
eat a crust of stale bread...
Then we'd have to work 14 hours at mill
day in, day out, for sixpence a week...
aye, and then when we'd come home
Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.
Luxury!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
We used to get up at three
clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel
then we'd work in't mill for 20 hours for tuppence a month.
Then we'd come home and Dad would beat us about the head and neck
with a broken bottle. If we were lucky!
Paradise!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
We had it tough.
I used to have to get out of shoebox at midnight
lick road clean
eat a couple of bits of cold gravel
work 23 hours a day at mill for a penny every four years
and when we...
and when we got home, Dad used to slice us in half with a breadknife.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right! (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
We used to get up in't morning at half past ten at night
half an hour before we'd gone to bed
eat a lump of poison
work 29 hours a day at mill
for a halfpenny a lifetime.
Come home and each night, Dad would strangle us and dance about on our graves!
Aye! And you try and tell that to the young people of today.
- Will they believe you? - ALL: No!
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)